It's Been Awhile!

This is my first post in a very long time.

I know many people are under the impression that I have abandoned this blog once again. Some of you have sent me sweet emails and messages asking where I have been and that you have been praying for the boys and I.  I know many of you care deeply for us...for that, I can never say thank you enough.

I wish I could just blame my lack of posts on being busy (which is true) or on the overwhelming strain my body endures keeping up with 2 very active boys (also very true). However, I must be honest with myself in admitting that my absence is much more out of fear than anything else.  It is like I fear recording this season in our life because of it's uncertainties and brokenness!

So much of my life this past year has been full of emotions...grief, fear, anxiety, uncertainty - just to name a few. There are no words to describe the terror of leaving a marriage of 13 years and moving 2 children into a new home, not knowing what the next chapter will hold. There is no way to explain the uncontrollable anxiety of buying a new home, in a new neighborhood and wondering if you can make it on your own and whether you are doing what is best for your children. Grief and fear are emotions that have been all too familiar to me.

Anyone that knows me well, knows that I am a die-hard blog reader.  I read blogs, I think, to add a bit of normalcy to my life.  Anyways, one of my favorites is Angie Smith's blog, Bring the Rain.  I came across it years ago while struggling with a difficult time in my life.  It is unfortunate that I even have to know who she is or relate to her in any way. However, so many of her words and explanation of Scripture have rocked my world. Seriously, the woman is crazy anointed. I swear I want to be just like her.

In her blog, Bring the Rain - this post is titled "The Past and the Pitcher". It discusses, in part, the days following her child's death and how Angie decided she would follow some advice she had read in a book about grieving. In the book, a therapist encourages those grieving to take something and break it. At first, Angie thought the idea was ridiculous but then the Lord began to speak to her heart that breaking something was exactly what she should do. So, she went to her cabinets, pulled out a perfectly good pitcher, walked outside onto her front porch, threw it on the ground and watched it shatter into pieces.

via Angie Smith

She waited a few minutes as she stood there in silence, staring at the broken pieces,

until God finally spoke to her heart...

 

Put it back together.

So, Angie took all the small pieces of porcelain inside and one by one, she glued them back together with a hot glue gun. Her fingers were burnt and bloody from handling the small, sharp pieces. She continued working until finally, the pitcher had been put back together once again.

via Angie Smith

 

Angie then writes these words that still bring tears to my eyes this day,

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"And as I worked, He let me think about my past. Mistakes that I have long regretted. I began to realize that this pitcher was my life, and every piece was part of a story that He had chosen to put together. I started crying, and remembering things I thought I had forgotten. It took a long time to finish, but it was time well spent. Every nook and cranny whispered to me, until at last it stood in all its imperfection.

Here you are, Angie.

You are mended. You are filled with my Spirit, and I am asking you to pour yourself out.

The image of my life as a broken pitcher was beautiful to me, but at the same time, it was hard to look at all of the cracks.

I ran my fingers along them and told Him I wish it had been different. How I wished I had always loved Him, always obeyed Him, always sought Him the way I should. I was mad at the imperfections, years wasted, gaping holes where it should be smooth.

But God, my ever-gracious God, was gentle and yet convicting as He explained.

My dearest Angie. How do you think the world has seen me? If it wasn't for the cracks, I couldn't seep out the way I do. I chose the pitcher. I chose you, just as you are."

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 So many times I think, we must be broken before we can be shared...just as the body of Christ had to be broken before it could be given. God wants to use us not in spite of our brokenness, but because of it.

I realize the problem is that we ourselves have developed a mindset that what is broken is useless. We are quick to throw away things in our lives that have cracks or missing pieces. We find no use for them so they find a place in the trash instead of our lives.

I have come to be thankful this year that Christ doesn't think of us this way!
Instead...the more we are broken, the more valuable we become to Him.

I continue to feel like people I run into that is familar with the events of my life this past year look at me and see broken (which is maybe why I feel like these days are not worth recording for my boys to look back on someday)...yet, once they sit and talk with me awhile.....I hope that they don't see broken...I hope they see blessed. That is what I see when I look into the mirror today - but only because I choose to see my life that way, thanks to the grace and strength of God.  I have been blessed with the two most amazing little men in my life and the most wonderful, supportive set of parents that anyone could ask for!  Not to mention my amazing friends, that have provided me with the best support network that anyone could ask for!

It was during a recent conversation with my Aunt Judy that I began to realize that it is through those cracks-- the pains and mistakes that we are most ashamed of-- that the world can see a glimpse of the glory of God.

If are you still reading this long, rambling post, thanks for listening!  There have been many times that I sat down at this computer to record our days, with so many fun-filled things going on with us, only to sit here with nothing to say!  The month of November was amazing for us and I plan to fill you all in with the events real soon!  Garrett turned 8 years old, both boys were baptized and we finished every day this month discussing amongst the 3 of us what we were most thankful for each day! 

I hope to get back on the blog train and show you all how much the boys have grown and blossomed!  Until then, I will leave you with pictures from today....a day spent at home (with Ethan sick, throwing up actually), with my mom and dad here helping me get things done at my house, enjoying the company and help of each other!  My favorite kind of day by far!

Thank you Jesus for being broken...for me.
Today, I rejoice in being broken...for You.

"The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is broken for you; do this in remembrance of me.” - 1 Corin. 11:23-24